Judaism: What is it?

So, I'm taking this class called "Is Judaism a Religion?". Yes, this is an actual class. Now I know you readers are either thinking, "Oh, there's Gadi...what a freakin' heretic?" or , "Thank GOD! Not another stupid post about sports!" Actually, I hope to prove both groups wrong, but we'll see what happens. In any case, I've taken an interest in this class and not just because it has given me the opportunity to represent all of Orthodox Judaism (now I got all you heretic criers in actual tears). Of course the class isn't as easy as saying "yes, it is a religion, so let's go home and drink some Manichewitz," or "no, it's not, so let's go home and sacrifice to Baal." We had to define our terms, which led to some interesting conversations about what religion really is, and, in turn, what Judaism really is. But what was and continues to be surprisingly interesting to me is that through all the readings, scholars from all stripes, colors, and denominations have failed to characterize Judaism as a religion. For the sake of time, and due to pure laziness on my part, I will only discuss two.
Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch was a great scholar and if you want to learn about his life I suggest Wikipedia-ing him. Among other things, he had to defend traditional Judaism to the reformers of his time. In his article Religion Allied to Progress, Hirsch goes on a scholarly, and often times sarcastic, rant about what the reformers were doing incorrectly. Without going into detail about the positive and negative aspects of his arguments, Hirsch openly says that Judaism is NOT a religion (emphasis added...and I'm not going to "footnote" any of this, so you'll have to take my word for it). This baffled me. Seriously, this man is considered by many to be the father of Orthodoxy, or neo-Orthodoxy as the Matrix fans like to call it, and he is saying that Judaism is not a religion. Obviously, I needed to keep reading. In his eyes, Judaism wasn't a religion because that would be too limiting. A religion, in the mind of Hirsch, is something that comes and goes. It's something that you can do once a week, once a month, or once a year, however the individual chooses. To Hirsch, Judaism is life...everything else is just a distraction. Besides sounding an awful lot like those old And-1 t-shirts (which I never had but was always jealous of), that is truly what he believed. Surely, he wouldn't recommend living in a bunker with nothing but the Babylonian Talmud and some matza balls. But if it would come down to that or changing the way life had been for generations, Hirsch would ditch the glamor for the matza balls.
On what has been commonly referred to as the other side of the spectrum lies Mordecai Kaplan and Reconstructionist Judaism. Without going into details about Kaplan's life or Reconstructionism, since I know very little of either, I will focus instead on what I do know. Kaplan was a people person. Not necessarily in the Abrahamic "four open sides to the tent" way, but rather in that he placed the peoplehood, the camaraderie, the nation, the society of Jews number one on his list of importance. God is no longer front and center. God is whatever the people make Him to be. The Torah is no longer divine, no longer transmitted from God to Moses to Joshua to the Elders to Rashi (sorry, that was a slight dig at what has become an over-reliance on Rashi). But, and this I'm 80 percent sure of, Kaplan did see importance in making synagogues into centers of Jewish life, which has led to the appropriately named Jewish Center, located somewhere in N.Y. To Kaplan, Judaism isn't a religion at all, rather a people who have the power to place importance on whatever traditions they see fit.
Now what. As a guy who keeps separate dairy and meat dishes and straps on tefillin (almost) every morning, how can I make sense of a non-religion religion?
I guess sometimes I just gotta follow in the wise words of Will Ferrell and keep on truckin'.
Fantasy Football Update: With the trade deadline looming, the S******* S****s are not so comfortably nestled in 6th place. My QB messiah, Aaron Rodgers, is beginning to resemble Shabtai Zvi more than the real Son of David. I think the main problem is in the locker room, where Plaxico Burress has been nothing but a distraction. But hope is on the way. Mike Singletary is coming in for a pep talk...and I'm making sure he takes his pants off.
I forgot how to link, so for an explanation, try this: http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3673441

Freshly Squeezed

Preface: You know how every once in a while sitcoms have those serious and sappy episodes that really get the audience thinking...or slightly annoyed? Usually, the episode revolves around drugs, drunk driving, or domestic abuse. When we're lucky, the stars come on the screen after the show, introduce themselves by their real names (which is always confusing for a split second because we know them as their characters), and tell us about the issue at hand. But even with all the seriousness, the laugh track is still rolling throughout the whole show. The example that sticks out in my head is the Home Improvement episode when the Taylor's find out Brad's been smoking pot. This is the blog version of that. Hope the laugh track still works.
Fortunes can change at the blink of an eye. One second you think you have everything, the next, its gone. Of course, I already spoke about this in my last post, in reference to the season ending injury to the official number one draft pick of the blog, Tom Brady. (In case you were wondering, the S****** S****s are currently in the thick of the playoff race, after a mid-season trade to acquire Aaron "Mr." Rodgers has proven golden. Though he's much uglier than Mr. Giselle.) These situations are so common, and so normal, that there are even sayings to promote them. My favorite has always been "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade". I say take that freshly squeezed lemonade, have a seat, and watch some sports. Or somehow make it into a lemon flavored Gatorade and play something.
Because sports, although not a solution, is the ultimate distraction.
Before I go further, I would like to apologize to all of you have complained to me in the past about talking to much about sports. I have heard your complaints, and chosen to ignore them.
When looking for distraction, the thing you want most is consistency. It doesn't matter what month it is, what day it is, or what time zone you're in. There is always sports going on. There are those nights that you have to settle for MMA. (Though, between the homoerotic leg-locks and the 80s punk band hair-dos, I wouldn't recommend watching while...under the influence. I WOULD recommend youtubing the last Kimbo Slice fight...Gus Johnson is UNREAL.)
You want a distraction that can take your mind off everything. You want a few moments to be removed from whatever lemons were just thrown at you. Sports provide that. If the perfectly timed passing play doesn't do it for you, then the running back willing himself to the first down will. If the excitement of the alley-oop pass isn't pure enough, then the text book D is.
But sometimes watching sports isn't sufficient. After all, baseball games are long and arduous and you need more than the thought of CC Sabathia and Prince Fielder at the buffet table to get you by. Playing sports is always an option. For you lazy folks...fantasy sports is the clear answer. Whether you're making transactions, checking injury reports, or mocking fellow fantasy owners, there is always something to be done. Managing a team of your own is not only time consuming, it also makes you feel accomplished. Well, if you win.
Sometimes life just sucks. There are no explanations, no reasons, and no answers. Tom Brady had never been hurt before in his life. One hit to the knee, and hopes and dreams are all broken. Aaron Rodgers whipping TD passes to Greg Jennings may provide a great distraction, but it doesn't mean I've forgotten what could've been with Brady.

My Own Worst Fantasy

There are certain times in life where one becomes aware of their own mortality. My moment came yesterday, half way through the first quarter of the first game of the season. It only takes one hit, one awkward twist of the knee, and a season can be over. Of course I speak of star QB and world renowned "hottie" Tom Brady. I don't speak of him as the fearless leader of the New England Patriots, rather as the official number one fantasy selection of the Blog.
Let me back track a minute. After achieving the commissioner-ship in a bloodless coup, while promoting "Change You Can Believe In", I was immediately faced with a number of challenges to the league. A league name needed to be clever ("No Xcuses Play Like a Champion" won out, paying homage to both the movie "Wedding Crashers" and the X-Games), various rules needed to be adjusted, and a draft time and type needed to be decided. Many hours of deliberation and inappropriate comments led to the conclusion that an online, standard draft was the most convenient way to select our players. I got stuck with the 7th pick in the draft, a spot where the top tier running backs would already be gone. My only options were to take the MVP QB who shattered offensive records last year on his way to leading his team to the Super Bowl, or a career third-down back who had never shouldered a full seasons load of carries. I took the QB.
And that brings me to today. After a downright awful performance on opening weekend (that still hasn't been completed), the future of S****** S****s took a devasting blow when the news of the extent of Brady's injury went public. As his ACL was ripped and torn, so too were the hearts and souls of countless fantasy owners who hinged their fantasy title hopes on his Midas-like right arm. Do I regret my decision to draft the man with the supermodel by his bedside? No. Fantasy Football is not about regrets. Do I wish we had done the draft differently so I would not have been forced into taking someone I wasn't really sold on? Yes. But my feelings in favor of the auction draft have been consistent since my the first time I tried it. Going back to the standard draft style was like going back to Jim Beam after having fine Scotch: I'm not happy about it and I may vomit later, but I'll do it because I have to and it's more convenient. But that is neither here nor there. These times of adversity are the ones that separate the fantasy men from the fantasy boys.
And I look forward to celebrating a new kind of Bar Mitzvah at the conclusion of this fantasy season.

Hobby's World

As I sit in my apartment attempting to make fries in my kitchen without the whole thing catching on fire, there is only one thought in my head: I watch to much T.V. Why do I say this? Maybe it's the fact that I watch so much E! that I could probably write a thesis paper comparing the Jonas Brothers to Hanson. Or maybe it's the fact that the most exciting thing in my immediate future is Sunday night's Comedy Central Roast of Bob Saget. I have already had the privilege of seeing the former "Danny Tanner" perform live at the UMD to down-right disturbing results. But that's neither here nor there. The fact of the matter is that I need to find something else to do with my spare time. I've decided to leave out anything that has already been accomplished by the official older brother of the blogger. With that, guitar, medicine, surfing, rhyming, "mikvah"ing, painting, and anything involving Rebbe Nachman of Breslov all go out the window. So, without further ado, here is my list of potential hobbies:
1. Blogging. This one has clearly not gotten off the ground. The problem is in the inherent definition of the blog. I need something to write about. That's where the hobby comes in. Unless you're interested in that Jonas Brothers paper.
2. Jogging: Positives include the potential to be one of those hard-core 60 year olds who can jog like 10 miles and the ability to do one handed push-ups. Negatives include actually doing it.
3. Stand-up comedy: I actually started this one about a year ago. I have one joke. That is NOT a good pace.
4. Skateboarding: This has been a dream of mine since watching Marty McFly ride, and occasionally hover, through the streets of Hill Valley. The only real problem with this is that I would have to buy Airwalks, listen to Heavy Metal and idolize Tony Hawk. I'm not ready for that.
5. Fantasy Football Commissioner: This happened. And I'm excited.
6. Dance Lessons: If Jason Taylor can do it and keep his manlihood, then why can't I?
7. Golf: If I ever want to be successful in a profession where I deal with other people, golf would definitely come in handy. But if I can't putt a ball through a miniature farm house in my first three tries this is probably not the sport for me.
That's all I got. Any suggestions, serious or otherwise, are welcome.
I really want to get the "Friends" theme song out of my head.

I've Moved

Well, for anyone who ACTUALLY checks this blog, and isn't frustrated with me for not posting in roughly a decade, I've moved.
Check it out: twistedsports.today.com.
It's gonna focus less on religion, and more on sports.
Hope you enjoy...and tell your friends. And family.